Salmon Pants
Source: Wall Street Journal (Paul Tuller)
Salmon pants with long-sleeved Vineyard Vines, often adorned with a yacht on the back, were my go-to outfit back in the day. I completed the look with a Patriots snapback and styled my hair to have the "flow" that was popular at the time. I even kept a round measurement sticker or price tag on my hats, a trend that was widely accepted. My mother eventually took them off without any hesitation as it was “hideous”. Growing up where sailing and lacrosse were rarely seen, I even thought Cape Cod was a potato chip company as it was always packed in my lunch for away games. However, many of my classmates were used to sailing and fishing there and knew how to throw around with lacrosse sticks. As a teenager, I wanted to blend in and fit in with my peers, but my lack of knowledge and experiences made it difficult for me to understand and participate in conversations.
It was a clash of two worlds. I wanted to reclaim the sense of security and comfort that came with being included, but it meant letting go of my old self and adopting new ways of talking and dressing. I even took notes of the slang my classmates used and practiced (which I thought to be) a New England accent. This was not forced upon me, but rather a decision driven by my own ego, as I wanted to be considered a "cool kid" that others wanted to hang out with. Navigating my place in an unknown world was something I overestimated before setting my foot on the US soil. I vastly underestimated elements other than the importance of honing my English skills. I thought they would gradually become aligned on top of the linguistic foundation. I often missed subtle gestures and nuances, resulting in communication breakdowns.
Language is an imperfect medium for conveying thoughts. The author of a book I once read used an analogy of language as washing dishes, where we strive to achieve perfection through an imperfect medium. It is a delicate process where eye contact, accents, and tones are just as important. Coming from a relatively homogenous community, I was accustomed to speaking like others and did not mind minor communication mishaps. When I walked into a room full of people for the first time where I stood out, I was hit with a mixture of confusion and frustration. For the first time, I had to think about how I was perceived by others and that language is not just about verbatim. I felt lost and unsure of what to do, so I resorted to mimicking the speech and fashion of my friends.
My efforts to fit in were not entirely successful. I found myself pretending to know about things like the Bruins' score the night before and repeating jokes that people laughed at during other lunch tables, without truly understanding them. From a distance, I seemed to blend in easily, but I often felt like an outsider when I was with groups, like a benchwarmer peeking into a team huddle. While being invited to hang out with groups was enjoyable, it did not align with my hobbies and interests. I was constantly seeking validation and affirmation, and at one point, I was unsure of my true identity without it.
Throughout college, my search for belonging continued. With even larger groups of people and the vastness of New York City, I was unsure of who to please and what to do. I quickly became overwhelmed by the large number of groups. Given the wide spectrum of opinions and philosophies, it was impossible for me to match what they were doing. I gradually let go of many of my old attitudes and began to appreciate solitude, which allowed me to focus on self-discovery. I visited museums that I had not been to in years, watched football games alone in bars without feeling the need to compete with others' knowledge, and enjoyed quiet walks in the park. These activities did not require any specific end goals, they were simply about enjoying my own company. I rediscovered my old hobbies, which had become a bit rusty and unfamiliar, but surprisingly, it felt alright.
For over a decade, I have had the opportunity to meet a diverse range of people from all over the world. Along the way, I have had my fair share of embarrassing moments as I attempted to break into new cultural realms. Despite these challenges, these experiences have been and will continue to be a solid foundation as I navigate the process of joining new communities in the future. I still wear salmon pants to this day. Some may view it as "preppy and tacky," while others may see it as "stylish and trendy." Regardless, they are part of my long journey to come this far. It is a reminder of who I have become.
